Super Girl!

This weekend is my dad's wedding. He called me yesterday and said that the person who was suppose to do the ceremony can't come because of issues with his wife's cancer. That is understandable. So, now guess who gets to do the ceremony... YUP... me!!! So, I have a little over 24 hours to get something together... OH, and it needs to be in Spanish and English... AHHHHHH!!!!!!! It's a good thing I love my dad.

6 months pregnant with twins... I guess they see me as superwoman!

A visit from Santa

Here is a great picture of my hubby, the babies, and me. I had been out of it with a hurt back (coconut was pushing on my spine, causing some pinched nerves), but we were in the spirit. Dh was trying on his suit in preparation to be Santa at a children's hospital the next day.

Smokey Turkey

I had a whole new Thanksgiving this year... We went to my Mother in-law's. We cooked a turkey breast. Then she made instant mash potatoes and some quick microwaveble mac-n-cheese. It was an "instant" Thanksgiving!

One bad part was the fact that she is a chimney smoker. She didn't smoke out in the living room where we were most of the day, but she smoked in her room all night. By the time we left all of our clothes, bags, and pillows reeked of smoke! It was gross. I can't believe I was ever a smoker! I love her, but that was a bit too much for the babies, my Iron Man hubby, and I.

Nightmare... during the day

Yesterday my family came over for burgers. As we finished up dad and I ran up the road to sign some papers for a car we sold. It was only about a block or two. We finished up and hoped back in the 4-runner. For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I didn't put on my seat belt. We were talking... and it was just around the corner.

I'm at the turn before my house and a car squeals behind me. I look in the mirror and see a car of underaged teens going about 80mph swerving back and forth across the road. The road is a neighborhood and has a limit of 30mph. I screamed and grabbed my dad with my right hand (I guess I was trying to keep him in the seat). Then I swerved off the road onto the sidewalk... The car just barely missed us.

I got to the house, shaking so badly I could hardly walk. Dh came to me in our bedroom and I just flowed with tears. I was mad that I had taken the chance of not wearing my seatbelt. I was mad at the teens. I was scared and shaken. If we had been hit I would probably have hit the windshield... my stomach (containing my precious babies) would have hit the steering wheel. I came so close.

Please please please wear your seatbelt... No matter how far you are going!!!!

It's a BOY and a GIRL!!!!!

We had another ultrasound yesterday. Here are both babies' heads. Before they checked what sex they were they did all the measurements. Both babies have good 4 chamber hearts and have everything a baby should have at this point. Jayna, baby A, had a heart beat of 150. Zan, baby B, had a heart beat of 162. They said his was higher because he was wiggling around so much! Both babies measured exactly at 17 weeks and were estimated 6 oz.

When they got to Zan's legs I couldn't believe how long they were!!!! This was before we knew it was a boy. I turned to dh and said, "That is your son!!! He is going to be tall like you and play basketball!!!!" Sure enough, it was later found to be a boy! I swear that boy is all legs! He is definately going to get his father's height.

Anyway, we are 100% sure Zan is a boy. When we got to baby A she kept her legs closed (like a good girl should). It took a lot of poking to get her to move... Plus, it's harder with two babies crammed in one belly! So, the tech found the spot and said she is 90% sure it's a girl. I guess those are pretty good odds!

I'm so excited about the whole thing. We had come up with one girl name and one boy name that we really liked. Plus, we had bought a boy and a girl monchhichi to represent the babies since we call them the Monchhichis. So, everything is what we were hoping.

Nesting?

So, I woke up this morning, read for awhile, watched some TV, and took a shower. Once I was dressed something kicked in. I needed things to be clean!

Our kitchen table was covered in mail, school papers, etc... WHOOOOSH. Everything is gone! Baseboards looked icky... Baking soda and a good scrub to the rescue. Mopped the kitchen... vacuumed the house (including every crevice). Now on to clean the fridge and scrub this sink. Dh won't know what happened!

I don't know when I have felt this motivated. I know it will wipe me out by this afternoon... but, DAMN our house is looking good!!!!!!

Surprises

This morning I woke up. I was laying on my back. I rubbed my hand over my belly and was shocked to feel how big it is getting. A little mound has formed. It is so neat to realize that the two babies are just growing along in there!

Yesterday I went to Babies-R-Us. I was a little overwhelmed at how much baby stuff there really is. I spent a good half hour trying out the dual stroller. Let me tell ya, a stroller for two babies is not as easy to work as a stroller for one! The Easiest part was getting it to fold up! (After one of the staff members showed me how to do it... lol)

I guess Graco is the only manufacturer that makes a stroller for twin buckets. Can you believe that??? I know I'm not the first one to have twins!!!! You would think someone would figure out how to make our lives a bit easier! It's not as though having 2 newborns at once is simple!!!!

Anyway, if you lay the seats back, you can get the bucket in. I am happy to say, removing the bucket from the car mount or the stroller if fairly simple. You just have to pull one lever. I tried some carseat out where I couldn't see how you could get the thing detatched without dumping the baby.

ISN'T THERE A MANUAL FOR ALL THIS SOMEWHERE???????!!!!!!!

Ikea commercial

I saw this commercial on "You Tube". It cracked me up... even the 3rd time I watched it. I hope it makes you laugh!

Funny Commercial

14weeks 4 days

At my good teaching cyster friend's request, here is a belly shot. It's not very good as I'm wearing a huge (but comfy sweatshirt) and was trying to do the timer thing myself... but, you can see that my baby belly is growing!

Time to catch up

Last Wednesday we had another appt. They were just going to do an exam. I insisted on having a u/s since last month they were still unsure if Jayna was going to make it. I told them I absolutely needed to know that they were safe and still growing.

So, we checked them out and they were doing fine. Zan is still a little bigger, but they seem to be growing fine. Jayna was pretty calm and needed a little poking to get moving. Zan was wiggling like there was no tomorrow. Once I start feeling them I have a feeling Zan is going to keep me up a lot. We saw both heart beats and one spine. The hbs were 162 and 160 bpm.

On Nov. 9th we have another appt. We get to find out what they are at that point. I was thinking boy/girl. Dh think Girl/girl. I can't wait to find out!

Yesterday I started my registries. I registered at Target and Babies-R-Us. I had a lot of fun. I must have worked on it for 4-5 hours. I spent a lot of time comparing items, looking on consumer reports, reading other's opinions, etc. I'm pretty happy with what I have registered for so far. I'll try to do clothes when it gets closer. Maybe after Christmas.

So now, I'm off on track-out for the next 3 weeks. My goals are to organize the babies' room, paint it, have a yard sale, and do the registry. One down... 3 weeks to do the rest. I just need to pace myself.

Take notice

Last Wednesday I was getting ready to walk out the door to go to school. Dh looked at me and said, "Honey, you look pregnant!" I said, "Guess what? I am pregnant... with your twins!" lol
He just meant that I am starting to look pregnant. It is nice to know that it is becoming noticable.

My belly is definately growing. However, I am still less weight than I was before I got pregnant. I am trying to eat when I can. I just can't stomach much. I just worry about the babies.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with the ob/gyn. I am excited and nervous. I just want to know that both babies are growing and doing well.

A milestone

Well, I have made it to the 2nd trimester. In fact, today I am 12 weeks 3 days. I feel relieved... a little. I think I will feel even better after my next appt. on Oct. 19th. I just need to see the babies moving around.

I dreamt about the babies the other night. One was a girl and one a boy. They both had dirty blond curls and were toddling around. I woke up so incredibly happy!

I have been having some pinching feelings in my lower stomach. They are only every once in awhile and seem to move around a little. I especially feel it if I get too loud or there is a loud noise. My friend says she felt that and went to her dr. only to find out it was her baby kicking her. If that is the case... KICK AWAY little monchhichis!!!!!

Countdown

I can't believe I am almost through the first trimester. I am so excited. I am looking forward to not being sick part of the day.

One hard thing is that when I was with the specialist they did an u/s every week. Now that I am with a regular ob/gyn I only go in once a month. I assume they will still do an u/s. I sure hope so. I need that assurance.

My sister came to visit from Chicago. She brought me a sweater and some pants from Mimi maternity. It's cute stuff, but I don't know if I will use it as much. The pants are green... I already have 2 pairs of green pants. The sweater is a huge wrap around. I think I may take them both back and get some maternity bras and a pair of jeans. I desperately need both items.

11 1/2 weeks... These babies will be here before we know it... AND I am SO excited!!!!!

Pictures at 9 weeks 6 days

Yeah, we finally got some pictures of the babies scanned. This picture is of both of the Monchhichis. The top baby is turned so you can really only see the top of his/her head.

The individual pictures show their heartbeats. Both had strong heartbeats of 176bpm. They are growing!!!!

Initiation

Well, I have finally been initiated into pregnancy. dh wanted chicken and fish for dinner. I put it in the oven (gagging from the sight) and went for a walk. When I approached the house I immediately started gagging again. I couldn't stop! And then... finally... I puked... all over our front steps. I guess it was bound to happen sometime... especially with two kids putting hormones in my body. At least, it makes me know that they are both doing well!

Had my first official ob appt. Yes, I was finally released from the infertility dr. Both babies were just moving around and their little hearts were beating like crazy! 176 bpm on both! The dr. said everything looks good and we could start spreading the word. YEAH!!!! Things are good! I'm so so so happy!!!!!

I told my students at the end of the day today. They were so excited! They kept jumping up and down, clapping, and screaming. It was so wonderful!

Keep us in your prayers... I just want both babies to be healthy.

Two for the price of one!

We had another ultrasound on Wednesday and found out that it is twins!!!! The dr. showed us that the second baby's gestational sac is small. So, he said that there is a change it may not make it. We should know within the next couple of weeks. I just want it to be OK. Now that I know there are two... I WANT two! I want both of them to be strong and healthy!

The babies were both the same size. Both heartbeat were very strong. So, all of that is promising.

For now we are calling them Zan and Jayna. Have you ever seen the "Wonder Twins"? The were super heros of long ago. They had a pet monkey named Gleek that got them into trouble. They are definately making us wonder! lol

Finally, my waist is expanding very quickly! I am already out of most of my own clothes... and I am only 8 1/2 weeks! lol I love feeling pregnant though. I actually love the fact that I am already having to wear maternity clothes.

It's really showing... my babies are growing and we really ARE on our way to being parents!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!

I'll try to post an u/s picture soon!

Say cheese!!!!

So, we went to the dr. again on Monday. We saw the heartbeat again. This time it was nice and strong. I think it made us both feel so much better! Now I feel so much more at ease and really able to enjoy being pregnant.

It was so cute. We got right in and the dr. started the u/s. At first I was nervous because the dr. just kept looking at the screen saying, "Hmmm". Then, he said, "Can you see it?" We could see the little heart just fluttering away. Brett looked at at the screen and said,"Wow".... Wow"... "Wow". It was so cute!

The dr. gave us our first picture. We were so happy to just look at it! Brett wanted to ask them to copy it. So, I told him he could take it to work first. He was very excited about it! I love my hubby!!!!! And of course I love our little Monchhichi!!!!

There really is a baby!!!!

So, we went to the doctor today. We saw a nice big gestational sac, It has grown a lot since last Friday! Then, when we looked really close we saw a very faint heartbeat. The doctor said it was fine for 5 weeks 6 days or 6 weeks. He has us going back on Monday to see it again. He wants to see it stronger. A few days can make a world of difference.

In addition, he found another sac, that was much smaller. He said it was probably a twin that didn't make it. That was a sad. However, we are greatful for the one we have.

So, we have a nice little baby. I will feel better after seeing the heart beat stronger on Monday. However, we have a heartbeat... So, I am thankful! Plus, they say after seeing the heartbeat there is only a 5% chance of miscarriage. That makes me feel better.

Watch out... hormonal woman on the loose

Friday is my first ultrasound. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they will find at least one gestational sack. My symptoms have been fairly low key. I am sleepy... A LOT. My breasts are quite sore. I am only really able to eat burgers and fruit. I am having very strange dreams. And I am extremely moody... poor hubby.

On top of all of this I seem to be very preoccupied (go figure). Sometimes I feel like it is difficult to even hold a conversation with someone else. I don't know WHAT I'll do when I go back to school next week. Everyone will think I've been replaced by an alien.

This preoccupation caused problems today when I tried to back out of the driveway. I was trying to focus on not turning over the recycling bin. However, I failed to keep paying attention to my neighbor's car. Yup, you guessed it. I slammed right into it's bumper. And of course it was plastic. So, it caved right it.

I called my brother (a mechanic) and went to tell C. She wasn't too concerned. She was extremely nice and understanding. As I tried to apologize and tell how I was going to rectify the situation I just started bawling. She felt so bad for me. She was quite confused as to why I was blubbering over a little bumper. I finally explained that I was pregnant. She was quite happy for me and thought the whole thing was kind of comical. DAMN these hormones!

I wonder if others will survive my pregnancy?!!!!!!

Our little Monchhichi is growing!!!

I went to the dr. on Monday. My betas were 33 @11dpo. I felt those were really good. He said my ovaries were both close to 50mm. I guess that would explain why I have so much cramping! Anyway, he told me not to leave town for a couple weeks. Right now he wants to keep me close by because I have some risks.

Yesterday I went again. I had actually lost a pound. That is a total of 4 pounds lost in the last 2 weeks. I don't know how, because I am having trouble fitting my regular clothes and am eating all the time!

Anyway, my betas yesterda should have doubled. So, I was looking for at least 66. However, they called and said the are 133!!!!!!!! I don't know if that means it might be twins. I guess we'll wait and see. I'm just so happy to see the numbers go up!

The bun is cookin'! I just hope he/she stays in there and keeps growing happily!

Cool video!

This little movie is so cool! I might have to do this!
Sorry, I can't make it just have one screen. You don't have to watch both though... lol.

The verdict is in!!!!!

I did another test this morning and got a stronger positive, but still light. I called the dr. as soon as they opened. They got me in right away. Here is their test. It is definately a POSITIVE!!!! I can't believe it!!!! I am PREGNANT!!!!!!!!
Now, I just wait on the betas.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG

OK- Here is today's test. I know it doesn't really look like anything at first glance. But then... when you back away from it a bit you can see the second line. This is good... right!!??? lol

I'll call tomorrow and see about getting in for a beta. I'll feel much more confident when I have a good beta or a stronger test. I think this is it!!!!!!!!!!

Could it be?

Well all, I took a test this morning and got the faintest positive. It was the same when I took one about an hour ago. But, it could still be HCG in my body. So, I'm not sure yet. Plus, it is still really early.

I'll take another one tomorrow or early next week to see if it is getting stronger.

My friend asked what my dogs have been doing. I said, "driving me crazy. They won't leave me alone. They keep following me everywhere." She said, "You are totally pregnant" She said her dog did the same thing when she got pregnant, before she even knew. She said it drove her nuts.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Things are looking good.

Why is the wait so long???

So, ff says I am 7 dpo. I think it is more like 8. I really think I O'd sometime in the middle of the night last Wednesday... because (tmi) when we bd'd on Thursday I was too dry. Anyway, I had the trigger shot last Wednesday. So, I am told the hcg could last from 7-10 days. Today is 8 days since then. So, 2 more days until it will definately all be out of my system.

I used an OPK Tuesday and today. Both days came out positive. I'm hoping this means something grand! Plus, my temps. are still really high. They have been 98.1-98.3 for the last 7 days. Come on BABY!!!!! STick!!!! Stick!!!

The symptoms have to mean something!!!! Right?????

So we are almost to a week since I took the trigger shot. And, I have never felt more pregnant in my life!!! Even when I was pregnant with the ectopic... I didn't feel like this!

• My boobs hurt so much I don't even have to poke them to see if they still hurt!
• I am peeing like 500 times a day (at least every 15-30 minutes).
• I have needed a nap the last 3 days... and am still exhausted.
• I have been craving hamburgers and bananas (by the way, I HATE bananas and have been a vegetarian for much of the last 2 years).
• The thought of some foods or smells makes me nausious.
• I have had MAJOR mood swings... much to my husbands suffering.
  

I went to the dr. this morning. He is worried about hyperstimulation of my ovaries. Anyway, he did an u/s and said my ovaries look good. He saw some fluid, but said it could be from Oing. Then he took a blood test and my weight. He said my iron is high. So, he wants me to come back in on Wednesday. However, my weight was down!!! It was at 173. I swear metformin makes all the differance in the world!!!! I have lost 20-30 lbs. from it!

Anyway, the waiting continues. For now, I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can... rest when I can... and try to get a little bit of low impact exercise.

The countdown begins

I am 2 days into the 2ww... again. So, here are some little bits of wisdom... courtesy of a hormonal teacher on break. Please add more in your comments!

1. It is OK to be counting down the days until you poas.
2. You have all the symptoms, but that doesn't mean anything yet.
3. The positive hopeful feeling is normal.
4. The fear of being let down again is normal too.
5. It is OK to be obsessed with what you eat/drink, just in case.
6. Chocolate helps.
7. Fertility drugs make the 2ww much more interesting... as you are extremely moody.
8. Wishing on a star and making deals with God don't work.
9. If you poas early, you are more likely to be let down.
10. The 2ww is a good excuse to relax and take care of yourself!

Jungle Boogie!

I went to the doctor yesterday. They did an u/s and found 4 nice, mature follies! So, dh and I discussed the risk of having quads and decided to go for it. But, before giving me the trigger shot the dr. wanted me to get an estradiol test. He said that would helps us have a better idea of my chances of hyperstimulation.

So, I got up at 5:10 this morning and was at the hospital at 6 for the blood test. From there I went to Starbucks for a nice cup of iced decafe coffee. Then, I headed to Brugger's Bagels to pick up a half dozen for the doctors and nurses who were coming in early.

I got to the office at 7:30. At 7:45 the results came back, but my doctor was in surgery. At 8:15 we had the go. So, I got my shot, in my ass, and headed to school. Now we are scheduled to bd tonight and tomorrow night. Then, we wait and see.

Please Lord... let it be my turn!

The joy of Clomid!

Last night was the worst night I have had with fertility drugs. I went to be about 8:30 with a horrible migraine. I thought I was going to die! I woke up many times with my head throbbing!

Then, the hot flashes started. I was butt naked, out of the covers, with the fan on, and I was melting! I kept waking up all twisted in sheets and dripping with sweat.

When I wasn't having trouble with both of those, I was nauseous. I was so sure I would have to puke at some point. However, when I woke up this morning I was fine. Besides feeling a little off here and there throughout the day, it was nothing like the night.

I just keep telling myself... "If it works, it is SO worth it!" I WILL survive!

It's getting hot in here... So take off all your clothes

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 28. When I was young I had a plan... I would be married at 25 and have a child at 27. Well, I got married at 26... SO, I guess I should have a baby this year! I sure hope so!

This will be the first year I have worked all day on my birthday. I know, I know... Everyone else has to, why should I be special? Well, when I was a kid, everyone was out on summer break on my birthday. So, I never got to have a little school party. Then, when I became an adult, it seemed pretty cool that I was off on my birthday every year. Year round school messed up that plan. Oh well. I think I may get a little cake or something and have a little class party for myself. Happy Birthday Me! lol

Day 3 of this round of Clomid. Starting out on 150mg is tough! Last time I worked up to it. Yesterday, I was sick to my stomach all evening. Today that has ceased.

So far, no migraines. For that, I am extremely grateful! However, the hotflashes have begun. This morning my kids were taking a state test. So, I couldn't turn the air way down. I was sweating all morning. It is just a constant mist on my forhead. The worst is at night. I slept in my birthday suit... out of the covers... and was STILL sweating.

Hey, if it works... IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!!!!!

Begin again

We went to the doctor to get checked out after some pretty bad cramping on the right side. He checked everything and nothing looked unusual. I just needed reassurance. I'm telling you, an ectopic really spokes a person. So anyway, we start back on 150 mg of Clomid tonight. I'll take it for cd's 5-9 and go in for my trigger on cd 13. Maybe our time will happen soon. I sure hope so!

And their OFF!!!!

So, the new school year is one week down. It is so strange to me to already be a week into the school year. I have 2 more weeks and then I am tracked out for 3. I absolutely LOVE it! I have such a great class... and the staff I work with is wonderful too! I think it will be a great year... and hopefully less stress!!!

I was suppose to start Clomid again on Saturday. However, on Friday (cd2) I was having horrible cramps on my right side. Being as that is the side I had the ectopic on, it made me pretty nervous. So, I called the dr. and they told me to come in tomorrow. Hopefully it is nothing, and we can start Clomid tomorrow. We will see.

For now, it's just another bump in the road. We've got to be out of the mountains sometime soon!

Happy Independence Day!

So, today is obviously the 4th of July. I finally woke up at 9. My arms are so sore this morning, I am having difficulty bending my wrists. I guess I used those muscles anyway!

My dh is out on another ride. Today is the Firecracker ride. He got up about 5:30. The ride started at 8. He will probably be back about 1 or 2. Then he will sleep.

I am so proud of his training and drive. However, I sometimes get jealous. I feel like I don't see him much. We decided to work on this by turning off the TV when we eat. Then we can have more conversation. Still, I wouldn't trade in being the wife of a future Iron Man. He is amazing!

After his rest we will go to a NC Pig-picking. For those of you from up north, that is a barbeque. They do exactly as it's titled: They cook a pig. Then pick off the meat. It should be fun.

Muscles I didn't know I had

So, dh and I just finished the yard work. My job was to trim all the bushes and water the plants. I have trimmed the bushes each year since we have lived here. However, apparently my muscles went on vacation since last year.

As I finished using the hedge trimmer I stopped for a drink from my water bottle. To my surprise I couldn't life it up! My muscles had disappeared! Now, I'm typing this with my hands rested on the keyboard (my keyboarding instructor would die!) and trying to drink a "Jack Daniels Citrus Splash" cocktail. It takes both my hands to life my bottle to my mouth.

In conclusion, if you want a humbling experience. Use hedge clippers for a couple hours!

Everyone... but me

I was talking to my neighbor today. She told me that a friend of hers, who has 5 kids already, is pregnant. I'm happy for her, but still feel that it is unfair. It's especially hard because it seems as though everyone I know is pregnant now. Most of my friends who are pregnant have been trying forever. I am very very excited for them... but, I still feel somewhat jealous. I want to be pregnant too!!!!

Tomorrow is my doctor visit. We will discuss our plan for this next cycle. Maybe then it will be my turn. For now... we wait. I keep up the positive attitude and taking it one day at a time... That's all I can do right now.

100 things that make me happy

1. Being with my husband.
2. Knowing that someday, soon, I will be a mommy.
3. Acting like a kid.
4. Catching lightning bugs.
5. Watching monkeys play.
6. Getting a love note, "just because".
7. The smell of a freshly bathed baby.
8. Spending time with my friends.
9. Reading a good book.
10. Making gifts for other people.
11. Dancing.
12. Playing music.
13. Getting comments on my posts.
14. Taking pictures.
15. America's Funniest Videos
16. Playing with my dogs.
17. Getting hugs.
18. Snuggling up with my hubby before going to sleep.
19. Reading, out loud, to kids.
20. Knowing that this is my list and I can write as many, or as few, as I like.

Pictures

Here is a picture of our niece and nephew. Again, we used the camera on my mother inlaw's new computer. This one made a pencil sketch. Aren't they just adorable?!

We are just getting started

So, 1 month until we begin again. I can't believe it has already been over 2 months since we lost Jalen. I realized this morning that we would have been almost half way through the pregnancy. I guess one positive is, I have to take my National Boards test tomorrow. Since I am not pregnant, I won't have to get up a million times to pee. There is a silver lining to every cloud... :)

The plan for this time around is to stay on the Bob Greene plan. I have slacked a little, but have not gained back weight (thank God). In addition, I'm going to try to do some yoga and relaxation exercises daily. So many people suggest to "just relax". I hate it when they say that. It is so much easier said than done! However, I'm going to work on the relaxation part. Plus, I will try drinking a glass of wine before hand (a recommendation from my doctor). Maybe this will help within the next couple of months. We shall see!

My mother inlaw got a new computer. It has a photo booth that does some really neat things to pictures. Here is one of me. It reminds me of those cards that have distorted animal pictures. This one makes me smile every time I see it. So, I thought I would share the joy.

Surviving the test

We got our End of the Grade, state test scores back. My kids did really well!!!! The scores can range from 1-4. 4 is the highest. 11 of my 22 students got 4s! None of the kids went backwards. I am so proud of them!

Waiting to try conceiving

Friday marked one month since we lost Jalen. It seems like only yesterday. It was only fitting that I ended up getting my period on Friday also. How ironic!

Now we just have 2 more months to wait until we can start trying to get pregnant again. The wait is so hard! I swear this is harder than waiting for Christmas when I was a kid. Now that I know, I can actually get pregnant, I want to get back on the ball! Plus, the doctor said they would monitor me step by step to make sure I don't have another ectopic.

So, today is another day... and the wait continues.

A good day

Wow, it is great when your hormones are aligned! I remember now what it was like before everything got out of wack. I had a wonderful day where I smiled and laughed a lot. I joked around with my students. I delt with arguments and irritability from my students, with little reaction or stress. It was nice.

Only 16 days of school left. I can't believe the end of the year is finally here! Then I will have a few weeks off before I begin at the new year-round school.

The void

Yesterday was rough. It rained all day... and it is only 1 week until Mother's Day. I cried so much... DH was worried about me. I guess I just have to get through it. Some days I'm OK... I know what I've lost, and I can accept it. Other days, my whole world falls apart. I just feel like there is a big hole in my chest. After talking to a friend, I realized that the hole will never be filled... I'll just learn to live with it.

What an accomplishment!

I posted this on Saturday, but it didn't come out right. So, I'm posting it again.

Well, we got back from Brett's Half IronMan a couple of hours ago. He ate dinner and then went to bed around 7:00 pm. Can't say I blame him. We got up at 4 am. He finished the triathlon in 5 hours 54 minutes. That is really good for his first Half Iron Man... Especially considering he got a flat tire during the bike. He really kicked butt on the swim! He finished it in about 32 minutes. I think he was 2nd or 3rd in his division. I am so proud of him! Here is a picture of my "Iron Man" after the race.

A shoulder to cry on

Yesterday we named the baby... Jalen Lee. Jalen means "Bird of Light" and Lee means "Sheltered from the storm". It seems fitting for our little angel that was taken to heaven before we got to hold it. Having a name helps me a lot. I think it helps us both to cope.

I feel a miscarriage, eptopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or the loss of a child is one of the absolute hardest things to go through. It rips your heart out and leaves you alone in a world full of people who don't understand. You lose everything in a matter of minutes. You will never again be the same.

I don't know how I would have made it through this last week without my wonderful husband. He stayed by my side during the whole hospital stay and has been home with me since. He went to work this morning, but came home the minute I said I needed him near. He has listened to me... hugged me... and told me he loves me. He has also helped me work through things I needed his help with, like naming the baby. He is such a wonderful man! And, all of this struggle, with losing Jalen, has brought us closer.

One day, I know, we will have a baby to hold, teach, and love as it grows. For now, I am going to be OK. I have the most wonderful husband in the world by my side and our baby Jalen in my heart.

I don't know how to cope with the loss

I have been bleeding most days since March 22. I finally made an appointment. They were going to put me on the pill, but did a pregnancy test just in case. I got a bfp. On Thurs they called me and said my beta's Wed. were 83. Good strong early pregnancy levels, they said. They wanted me to come in Mon. to repeat the test. I convinced them to let me come Fri. I was bleeding and crampy, so I was sure there was something wrong.

On Fri @7:30 they took my blood. At 11:35 they called me to say my beta's were 100... too low they said. They didn't think it was viable and wanted to see me. I left school. I was too upset to think.

I went in at 2:30. They did an u/s. He found blood in my ovaries, but was perplexed by what was going on. He sent me to the hospital for further u/s. At 6 I went... They found lots of blood also, but no one was sure what was up.

After discussion, my dr. was still confused as to what was going on with my body. He was worried and said it was "a cunundrum". He wanted me to check into the hospital for surgery. He said he might find nothing, but a healthy pregnancy. Or, the worst, I might have an ectopic and have to have my tube removed.

At 9:30 the surgery began. At 11:30 I was done and being wheeled into my room. I had had an ectopic pregnancy. I was 9 weeks pregnant. They were suprised my tube hadn't burst. They were able to salvage the tube.

Yesterday went by in a drugged stupor. It took me most of the day to get my equilibrium and to be able to eat without fear of being sick. I slept on and off for most of the day.

Today, realization hit at 4:30 a.m. The baby is gone... I am left with anger, hurt, and 3 incision areas on my stomach. Every time I look at them I am angry and disgusted. How could I have gotten pregnant after over a year of trying and have it taken? Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? Why am I broken? How can my husband love a baby killer? Did I not want it enough? Why is this so damned hard? How can I go on?

My heart is broken. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so very sad. All I can do is cry.

My Iron Man

As you can tell, I am making the most of my Spring Break. I have to say, this was some much needed relaxation time!

My dh just informed me that he is going to sign up for an Iron Man next April. Isn't that cool!?! Who would have thought, the music girl/book worm would grow up to marry an Iron Man!? I am already looking forward to it. Last year he did the Chicago Marathon. It was crazy! Millions of people were everywhere. I love going to these things with him! I guess you could say, I'm his biggest fan! lol

What makes it extra special is how much he has changed since we met. At the beginning, he was pretty seditary and liked to drink a few beers after work. Now he has lost 40-50 pounds and is doing two half Iron Mans this year and a full one next year. I can't begin to express how proud I am of him. This guy is amazing... and I am soooo in love with him!!!!!!

Trying to find the silver lining

This last cycle I was so damned sure!... My temps were actually normal for the first time. Then, I had a clear O day. After that, my temps were around 98.5 for a long while. I was so excited... I even POAS'd about every day from 9dpo on.

Then, my temperature dropped and I just knew the ugly witch was just around the corner. I was devistated! It kept me down for a few days. I want to know when it stops hurting you... when does it get easier? When will it be my turn... will it be my turn?

So, on to month 16. No more Clomid. I'll start a new doctor.

Here are some great reasons for not being pregnant this month:

1. I get to go on Space Mountain this week.
2. I got to celebrate National Boards with a margarita.
3. I won't have to worry about stopping to puke or pee, every 5 minutes, on the way to Florida.
4. I've now lost 13 pounds and I get to enjoy it for another month.
5. I got to eat sushi and oysters.
6. I can take medicines for my migraines.
7. I still have an excuse for tons of crazy bedroom time with my sexy husband.
8. I get to drink wine while cleaning out the car.
9. I don't have to worry about being hugely preggo during most of the sweltering months.
10. I am one month closer to becoming a mommy... somehow.

Nirvana

I think I am the happiest I have ever been. I have been working out and following a vegetarian diet. So, that makes my body feel good. Then, I got a job at a year round school that I really wanted to work at. And, I am almost done with my National Boards. On top of it all, spring has come early here. It was in the 80's today. I spent much of the day sitting outside working on boards and just relaxing... Oh... AND... I'm married to the most wonderful man! Life is good!

Come on spring!!!! We're waiting!!!

The bush outside our house is starting to get some blooms. Does that mean spring is on it's way? I'm not sure, because on Monday it snowed for the first time this year. I sure would appreciate a little warm weather!

I started my last cycle of Clomid. I can't believe I've had 6 months of the stuff already. I guess I thought it would be the magic pill. Maybe it's magic for some people. Just not for me. Who knows what will happen next. 1 year of TTC come and gone... nothing much to show for it... except:

1. I quit smoking.
2. I became a vegetarian.
3. I started exercising and lost 10 pounds.

So, I guess there are some good products from it all. I just have to keep focusing on the positive!

Week one is almost done. I've done pretty good overall. I've worked out a little every day and have not eaten after 7. So... 1 down... 11 to go.

Out with the Old... in with the New

Here is my hubby and I preparing to bring in the New Year.

Let's get with the program!

It's a new year... time to start fresh! A few years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. My dh and I have been ttc for a year, but with no luck. I have had 5 months of Clomid, 3 months of Glucophage, and 1 month of Estrogen. When I was told this month was a bust, because of a 4.3cm cyst on my right ovary, I decided it was time to change things around for a bit.

This month I thought I would put my focus in another direction. I will only be taking the Glucophage (otherwise known as Metformin) and my vitamins. In addition, I am starting Bob Greene's program. It requires 12 weeks of dedication. 12 weeks... I can do that! Right?!!!

Today is day 1. I had a slipped disk last month and was on bed rest for 2 weeks. So, when I started the program today, it kicked my butt! However, I did it. I completed 30 minutes of cardio, the stability/flexibility stretches, and the strength training exercises. Boy, am I tired! I became a pile of mush while on bedrest!!!

Day 1... check! Tomorrow, I'll wake up and work on day 2.