Wednesday, April 26, 2006

A shoulder to cry on

Yesterday we named the baby... Jalen Lee. Jalen means "Bird of Light" and Lee means "Sheltered from the storm". It seems fitting for our little angel that was taken to heaven before we got to hold it. Having a name helps me a lot. I think it helps us both to cope.

I feel a miscarriage, eptopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or the loss of a child is one of the absolute hardest things to go through. It rips your heart out and leaves you alone in a world full of people who don't understand. You lose everything in a matter of minutes. You will never again be the same.

I don't know how I would have made it through this last week without my wonderful husband. He stayed by my side during the whole hospital stay and has been home with me since. He went to work this morning, but came home the minute I said I needed him near. He has listened to me... hugged me... and told me he loves me. He has also helped me work through things I needed his help with, like naming the baby. He is such a wonderful man! And, all of this struggle, with losing Jalen, has brought us closer.

One day, I know, we will have a baby to hold, teach, and love as it grows. For now, I am going to be OK. I have the most wonderful husband in the world by my side and our baby Jalen in my heart.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I don't know how to cope with the loss

I have been bleeding most days since March 22. I finally made an appointment. They were going to put me on the pill, but did a pregnancy test just in case. I got a bfp. On Thurs they called me and said my beta's Wed. were 83. Good strong early pregnancy levels, they said. They wanted me to come in Mon. to repeat the test. I convinced them to let me come Fri. I was bleeding and crampy, so I was sure there was something wrong.

On Fri @7:30 they took my blood. At 11:35 they called me to say my beta's were 100... too low they said. They didn't think it was viable and wanted to see me. I left school. I was too upset to think.

I went in at 2:30. They did an u/s. He found blood in my ovaries, but was perplexed by what was going on. He sent me to the hospital for further u/s. At 6 I went... They found lots of blood also, but no one was sure what was up.

After discussion, my dr. was still confused as to what was going on with my body. He was worried and said it was "a cunundrum". He wanted me to check into the hospital for surgery. He said he might find nothing, but a healthy pregnancy. Or, the worst, I might have an ectopic and have to have my tube removed.

At 9:30 the surgery began. At 11:30 I was done and being wheeled into my room. I had had an ectopic pregnancy. I was 9 weeks pregnant. They were suprised my tube hadn't burst. They were able to salvage the tube.

Yesterday went by in a drugged stupor. It took me most of the day to get my equilibrium and to be able to eat without fear of being sick. I slept on and off for most of the day.

Today, realization hit at 4:30 a.m. The baby is gone... I am left with anger, hurt, and 3 incision areas on my stomach. Every time I look at them I am angry and disgusted. How could I have gotten pregnant after over a year of trying and have it taken? Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? Why am I broken? How can my husband love a baby killer? Did I not want it enough? Why is this so damned hard? How can I go on?

My heart is broken. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so very sad. All I can do is cry.